WHAT THE HELL IS BURNINGMAN? AND
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GREAT TAN? by T. Mikey

Don’t Panic. It’s all completely normal. Just another typical Wednesday here on the playa. Your current address is 4:15 in a space where time no longer exists. You’re in the heart of something called Black Rock City, and everything is far better here than it has ever been before, because at this very moment you and 47,000 of your strangestfriends are having the time of your lives, here, at Burningman.

Without realizing it, 19 hours have past since you began your bike ride. Next thing you know, you blink and it’s three weeks later, and you’re back home, back in you’re “normal” life. Starring at a computer monitor, and wondering what has happened.

You attempt in vane to explain your new collection of memories and photographs to your friends and loved ones who universally seem to respond the same way. All together now… and in perfect harmony….

“What the hell is Burningman? And where did you get that great tan?”

You roll your eyes and just try….

You see, for those who have been, no explanation is needed, or even possible. For those who might not have been, let’s start with just the facts, Mam.

It’s hot, it’s so hot you and 47,000 of your strangest friends are naked… or very close to it. You hop on your bike and ride it in the direction of a rumor. An “amazing thing” is said to be out in that direction. You were told so by a beautiful stranger who refreshed you with a light misting of water and then offered you a backrub, only to disappear when you turned around. Odd, but you seem to just roll with it and not think twice. On your journey to this strange unknown place, you are caught in a ferocious dust storm. Without your goggles you would be blind, with your goggles you’re still blind. Visibility drops to inches as every centimeter of your exposed skin gets a gentle sandblasting from every conceivable angle. Yet, you continue to ride. Blind, you hear chaos and music all around you, surrounding you, yet still miles away. It retreats as it approaches. It calls to you, while ignoring you by name. You’re lost and disoriented while at the same time exactly where you’ve always wanted to be, at peace with yourself, and in the middle of a great adventure. As the dust starts to clear you see strange indiscernible shapes moving in the distance. You’ve been awake for days, hyper stimulated and overmedicated, so you can’t quite believe your brain when it’s telling you that you are actually witnessing what appears to be a near miss collision between a 25 foot high neon ghetto-blaster and a camel with four legs and two wheels.

They heckle each other as they pass, laughing, and parting ways with the friendly phrase “Have a great burn!!!”

And you wonder…, “Where the hell am I? Am I dreaming? Am I awakening? Am I doing both? What strange vision from the oddestcorner of Salvador Dali’s subconscious am I actually walking through at this very moment? And where was I going again?”